Dementia
Here's a poem I wrote after my Mother-In-Law died of Alzheimer's some time ago:
You’ve gone
You’ve gone,
You’ve gone and you’ve left me alone,
Very much alone,
I’m not the same person I was,
And I’m no longer in my home,
Since you’ve gone, they’ve taken me away.
They’ve taken me somewhere else,
They’ve taken me to a home,
And, I’m home alone,
Very much alone,
There are lots of others who are alone as well,
We’re all here together,
A bunch of lonely people.
Since you’ve been gone,
They try to feed me,
They give me what food they can,
But I don’t get enough obviously,
And they talk to me,
I don’t know what they are saying,
They are all foreigners.
They stand here in front of me,
And they say things,
And I don’t know what,
I feel so sad,
So sad that I can’t understand them,
That I can’t please them,
That I can’t do anything that I used to be able to do.
Times have changed,
Times have really changed,
Sometimes these people who talk to me,
Think I must be deaf,
Just because I don’t understand what they are saying,
They shout it.
Inside I’m shouting back at them,
“I don’t understand, I’m not deaf,
Don’t shout, I don’t understand”,
But I can’t tell them,
I can’t tell them that,
Because they wouldn’t understand me either.
And I would have to shout back at them,
And sometimes I probably do,
All of us here,
Probably do,
We all have our own way,
of getting through each day,
Each day that’s lonelier and lonelier.
And I really don’t mind,
I really don’t mind,
I don’t mind that I don’t understand,
That I don’t eat,
That I am fading,
I don’t mind ‘cos I don’t know.
I don’t know these things are happening to me,
Not since you went,
Since you went and left me,
Without a mind,
Without a memory,
Dementia is cruel.
I have unlearned everything I learnt,
Faster than I learnt it when I was learning.
I have nothing left to learn,
I have nothing left to forget,
My brain will keep me going for as long as it can,
A primal function to survive.
Eventually that small part of my brain,
Which forces the heart to beat,
Will be starved of the nutrients it needs,
To keep my body alive,
Until that day I will not live,
I will merely survive.